5 Alternatives to Private Armies

The government and COMELEC are paranoid nowadays because of the private armies. Although they are doing this because of the recent cases especially the Maguindanao Massacre, it's still good that they are holding the politicians in the neck. This prevents every politician to go out and bring someone with a gun who looks like a villain in Jeric Raval’s movies (where’s he anyway?).

For those who are not approved by the Comelec, don't fret. I stayed up really, really late and missed my deadline in posting an article to give you some recommendations. Here are 5 things you can have instead of a private army.

1. Buy a lot of Samurai Swords and give it to your "companions". Because "guards" are not allowed, you can always have someone walking around with a sword in their side. This is even more dangerous compared to a guy with a gun because of the brutal possibilities your "companion" could do.

2. Hire Ninjas and Samurais as your "companions". No one said that you can't bring any Ninjas to your rally. Imagine if Ninoy Aquino actually walked around with 3 Ninjas in complete costume. That would be fun if he meets Manny Villar with five samurais in full battle regalia. This is also great for crowd control because people don't just approach guys with long blade in their side or the back. Plus, shuriken shows are awesome.

3. Get four VERY VERY big guys - I don't think the presidential candidates are the biggest guys in the country. With that said, there are a lot of really tall muscled men who can stand in the candidate's way to protect them from any harm. Just remember to differentiate obese guys from the muscled ones. I'm sorry to discriminate the fat-intensive dudes (I'm one of you), but we can't run with Ninoy in case he shows up with Kris Aquino, James Yap and Baby James for the rally.

4. Twitter and have Live Feed Videos - there two online tools will not protect you from any hail of bullets but it will not protect the culprit or the mastermind. Get an assistant to "tweet" where you’re going and who you met. The live streaming can also become a great tool to show what you do even in the most boring time of the day. Show me that you actually eat dirty ice cream every 4pm and you will have my vote.

5. Don't run. Live a simple life and avoid politics. If you don't want to get mobbed let the braver ones run. Having a bodyguard just tells people that you have a lot of enemies and you're a bit paranoid.

P.S. Please comment on this. If you have more input, maybe we can extend the tips to 3 million J